5 o'clock Somewhere

NetFlix

2007-02-12T18:55:00.000-05:00

On the advice of friends and family, I recently signed up for a NetFlix account. For those of you who don't know, NetFlix is an online video rental store. You pick the movies you want, put them in a queue, and depending on your subscription plan, they send you 1-3 at a time. When you are finished, you return them and they send you the next one on your list....Or so I thought.

I started off my queue with seasons 2 and 3 of Nip/Tuck. My brother got me hooked on the show, and I'm trying to catch up on the past seasons before I watched the season 4 episodes I recorded this year. Well, after a few episodes from season two, I got tired of waiting 2-3 days for the next disc, so I went out and "acquired" the rest of season 2 on my own. I then moved a movie to the top of my list, just to change things up.

Well, apparently NetFlix didn't believe that I wanted another movie, so they sent me another episode of season 2, which I immediately sent back. I then went back in and deleted all the season 2 discs from my queue. Ok, now I should get my movie. Nope, NetFlix has apparently penetrated my subconscious and learned that I really want the first disc from season 3.

What the F*** is going on? What in the hell kind of sh*tty queue is this? Basically, I'm spending $10 a month to watch movies I may or may not want to see. I should just go get a girlfriend and take her to the movies. I might end up seeing a good action flick or a crappy romantic comedy, but at least I might get lucky at the end of the night....

Unlock Anything!!

2007-02-06T17:09:00.000-05:00

I found this video online yesterday. The title was "How to unlock a car using nothing but a tennis ball". I figured they were going to just throw the tennis ball through the window. Well, I'm not going to spoil the video for you, but they actully use the tennis ball to unlock the driver's side door!!

As if it isn't crazy enough that you can unlock a car door with an object you can buy at the local sporting-goods store for a few bucks, my dad was telling me the other day about a story that WTAJ News did on "bump keys". A bump key is basically a key blank (a key that has not been cut to a specific bitting) or another key made for the targeted typed of lock, that has each groove filed down to the lowest level. The key is then inserted into the lock (almost the whole way) and then tapped by a mallet while applying a slight turning force to the key. Using this method, an unskilled person can pick a lock in a matter of seconds. The people at WTAJ were able to learn how to do this very quickly, and they actually used it to break into the police station. The kicker is that you can buy these keys online! Check out Wikipedia for more info.

Crazy....

High-Def

2007-02-05T17:35:00.000-05:00

I watched the Super Bowl last night at my friend Mike's house, and I have to give him props for throwing a good party. Good food, good people, and 56 inches of high-def football. Now I have never been a proponent of high-def television. My thought always was that you're watching the same show, so the entertainment value should be the same. Yes, one might be a little clearer than the other, but its still the same show. Why pay the extra money?

Well, I changed my mind a little last night. Watching high-def is not like being at the game. Watching high-def is BETTER than being at the game. Real life is not as vivid as it is on television. Things aren't as bright, colors aren't as brilliant...high-def could make my basement look like the Taj Mahal. Mike was having some trouble with the sound on his high-def at one point, so he switched over to his satellite. It was a night and day difference. It was like watching the game underwater. we quickly decided that bad sound or no sound was better than crap picture.

There is a downside to high-def though. As my friend Jamie pointed out, all the imperfections of people are even more glaring and annoying in high-def. Dan Marino's hair looked curlier, Shannon Sharpe appeared more horse-like, and Boomer Esiason looked like an albino. It didn't make Prince look any shorter though...

Guitar Hero

2007-02-02T19:42:00.000-05:00

You may ask where I have been recently, well I've devoted my entire life to playing Guitar Hero for the PS2. Ok, not really, but it sounds good.....Wait, I guess that doesn't even sound good.

I will admit that I was really into Guitar Hero for quite awhile, then 2 things happened: 1) I had to start practicing the REAL guitar again, and 2) My friends showed me a video of some 8-year old kid kicking ass at the game. That just totally depressed me. I as a 26 man should be able to do EVERYTHING better than an 8-year old. I'm stronger, faster, smarter, wiser, and I have hair in places that he hasn't even conceived yet (so what if I shave it). The only thing an 8-year old should even be in same ballpark as me in is coloring.

This kid had to have put some serious time into this game to get that good. Hell, he had the damn song memorized!!! I've been playing guitar for 8 years, and I can't even memorize a song on that game. At least with a real guitar, you can assign a note to a string/fret. On the game, you have to remember, "red-red-yellow-red-yellow-blue-orange". It's like playing that stupid Simon game.

Look kid, for your own good, put down the fake guitar and pick up a real one. I will admit that I'm jealous of your abilities, but where in the world are you going to get playing PS2? You've got a good start on the finger work. Maybe you'll be the next Eddie Van Halen. I saw a guitar in the background of the video, so maybe there's some hope...

New Years Resolutions

2007-01-04T16:54:00.000-05:00

The New Year always amuses me because of one thing: New Years Resolutions. I love watching people get all geared up for something for about a week, then at the first possible convenience, got back to their old habits. Besides, why do they wait until January 1 to start this crap? Couldn't they have started losing weight in December? Did they have some sort of revelation on New Years Eve that smoking is bad for them?

When I went to the gym on Tuesday I had to laugh at all the people there. Usually, on a busy day, there are 15-20 cars in the parking lot. On Tuesday there were over 40. Yesterday, we were back down to about 35, so I figure it won't be long until everyone decides that losing weight is just too damn hard.

Now I really never make New Years Resolutions, but if I did here's what they'd be:

Continue to go to the gym - I've been slacking off the last month
Stop spending money frivolously - Damn! No more $1.99/min. to call those 976- numbers
Play more poker - I enjoy the game and could probably get good at it. Of course, this is a direct violation of #2
PRACTICE guitar - Playing the intro to Sweet Child O' Mine 100 times a week is not practicing. Neither is playing Guitar Hero for PS2.
Go to church on a regular basis - At this point I need all the help I can get
Find a nice girl and settle down...or maybe just date casually...or maybe a not-so-nice girl...screw it, I'll just get a dog.
Update this blog more than once a month

Sweet Dreams Are Made of This

2007-01-03T17:52:00.000-05:00

From time to time, we all have those dreams where we go "What the heck was that?". It's usually "Why am I dreaming about THAT person?", or "Why am I running around my high school naked?". Lately, I've been so exhausted that I either haven't been dreaming or just haven't been able to remember any of them. Over my Christmas vacation though, I was able to catch up on some sleep, which caused me to have this weird-ass dream the other night:

I'm running through the city (don't ask me what city because I have no clue), somebody is chasing me and its raining. I'm able to get away from the person who's chasing me as they get caught up in traffic, so I start running up this hill that has all these stores/restaurants on it. I figure I can duck into on of them to escape this person.

So I go into this place that's like a futuristic Dave and Busters. It's a circular building with different stations as you go around the circle. At each station there a bunch of guys drinking beer and playing some sort of video game like a golf simulator, only with baseball. You actually get a baseball bat, a ball is pitched and you get to whack it, and depending on where you hit it, it tells you out/single/home run/etc. (Side Note: I can't believe somebody hasn't invented this yet). So I grab a baseball bat and try to hide in a corner.

A few seconds later the person chasing me comes in carrying a gun, and I finally can identify who it is: a girl I went to high school with named Laura. Now, I haven't seen Laura more than a handful of times in the past 8 years, but apparently she wants to kill me. She doesn't see me, so I take the bat, raise it above my head, swing,.....and find out that I'm just as big a pussy in my dreams as I am in real life. I must have Tyrannasoraus Rex arms or something because not only can't I even make good contact with her face, but I'm swinging like a 5-year old girl with muscular dystrophy who spent her entire life in Auschwitz. So, I'm on the run again. I leave the building, get into a car and drive off to....a parking garage.

It was at this point that I (thankfully) woke-up. If dreams are supposed to mean something, I would love for someone to tell me what the F*** this meant.

Where the Hell Have I Been? (part 2)

2006-11-29T18:49:00.000-05:00

Ok, so now we're up to Friday...

Friday-I had to work on what is probably the most pointless day of the year. First of all, nobody is there. There were 5 people (including me) in my department. Second, its like a Monday and a Friday all rolled into one. You don't want to do anything in the morning, because you just got back and you don't feel like doing anything in the afternoon, because its almost the weekend. So I struggled through the day, came home, and prepared to fulfill my promise to go out. Going out in Houtzdale is fun every so often....like once a year. Its a novelty. If you go to often, it gets old because its the same people doing the same things every week. First, you have the young crowd, who all act like they've never drank before. (Although it was fun watching the guy who just turned 21, sitting at the bar repeating "F*ck your couch, Charlie Murphy" all night). Then you have the old, trashy crowd, who all are wishing they were 21 again. Oh, and did I mention that they are all hideous? Plus, I got myself into some pretty awkward situations: My brother's ex-girlfriend grinding on me and walking into an apparent drug-deal in the bathroom. But, with a little help from my friend (alcohol), I survived the night.

Saturday-I woke up late (after 11) and went out to help my dad decorate the house. It's tradition that we do this the Saturday after Thanksgiving and this was the first time we've ever done it in temperatures about 12 degrees. This was also the first time we haven't harassed my dad to the point where he flips out and calls us a "bunch of flaming a-holes". Either he's getting mellow in his old age, or we're losing our touch. After that, I went to Philipsburg to get some Chinese food. Chinese food is always an adventure, because its my experience that you have about a 70-30 chance of them actually getting your order right. The guy behind the counter never writes anything down, and even though you're reeling off a list of 70 items, he just looks at you and says "Okay" after each item. Then he goes to the back, fries up a cat, and puts some sauce on it. So maybe it doesn't matter. Anyway, he got my order right, so that means I'm screwed next time. I came back to Altoona later that night and watched Notre Dame, the most overrated team in the country, get their asses kicked by USC.

Sunday-I tuned in for the first 5 minutes of the Steeler game and quickly turned it off. This year blows for football. Florida State is horrible (though we finally got rid of Jeff Bowden) and the Steelers make me want to puke. So I'm just waiting for basketball to get in gear. Luckily, I found curling on NBC, which is quickly moving up my ladder of favorite sports to watch. There is not a lot of action, but the strategy/skill factor in the game is awesome. I think they should replace all remaining Steelers games with curling match-ups, because at this point, they are equally meaningless. My parents then called that night to request a Christmas list, and it was then that I realized that I don't really like Christmas anymore. It was a lot more fun when you were a kid, and all you did was put together a list of the thousand toys you want, and then you waited around for Santa to bring them. Now though, I have to get "practical" gifts, not to mention decorate the house, figure out what to buy everyone else, go shopping etc. Call me Scrooge, but I liked Christmas a lot better when it was all about receiving and not giving.

So that was pretty much my weekend. Hopefully, I can get back in the groove and have some fairly regular posts in the future. Of course, now I have all this damn Christmas stuff to do, so who knows....

Where the Hell Have I Been?

2006-11-28T18:57:00.000-05:00

Yes, its been a while since I've posted anything meaningful. I don't have a lot of cool things going on right now (like a haunted house or a fancy new gaming system), so I've been struggling with things to write about. So I figured, F it. I'll just tell you what I did over the last week in excruciating detail:

Tuesday- Worked all day, went to the gym, and was just settling in for a night of NCAA Football, when my friend Rebo called to see if I wanted to go bowling. Since I only had one more day of work until Thanksgiving, I figured what the heck. So we went, and I bowled like crap. I had a chance for a 200 my first game (I had 193 going into my last throw), but I threw a horrendous shot and ended up with a 198, which just pissed me off for the rest of the evening. As we were leaving, Rebo mentioned that he was having a party out at his place at Penn State-Altoona and he invited me over. Again, since I only had one day left till vacation, I figured I go out for a little bit. When I got there, everyone was in the midst of a giant beer pong game. Now I hadn't played beer pong since I graduated college in 2002, so it took some coaxing to get me to play. After losing the first two games, Rebo and I got in the groove and my plans of leaving early that night went out the window. Between 12:00 and 1:30 we didn't lose a single game, so of course I couldn't leave while I was on fire. Thankfully, we were just playing for fun and didn't have to drink, otherwise I wouldn't have made it to work the next day, much less made it home that night. I left around 1:45, and as I was leaving a girl who I had hung out with a few weeks ago made me promise to go out on Friday night. Since good-looking females have a strange, voodoo hold over me, I could not turn her down, and spent the next 3 days regretting it.

Wednesday-I somehow made it out of bed and into work. Even more surprising, I made it through the day and was even fairly productive. After work, I rushed up to Houtzdale to get a physical for work. My company pays $200 if you get a physical every year (minus taxes, of course), so its worth it. I found out that nobody, including doctors, wants to work the day before Thanksgiving, as I had probably the quickest physical ever. I could have a serious disease and my die next week, and I wouldn't know. I then went to my parents' house to have some dinner. They informed me that my grandmother would be bringing a friend of hers, who I had never met, to Thanksgiving dinner the next day. Ok, that was odd. They then told me that they had also invited a bunch of other people who didn't have much going on that day. What the hell is going on? Are my parents running sort of "Nevling Make-A-Wish" foundation? "It's always been my dream to have a family to spend the holidays with..." Luckily, everyone else declined. My dad then informs me that while my grandmother's friend is there, we cannot discuss suicide. Apparently, her son recently killed himself. That's a tragic situation, and I feel for the lady, but my siblings and I couldn't help making light of it. I mean, was it really necessary for my dad to say this? I've been through 26 Thanksgivings now, and I cannot remember a single one that the main topic of discussion was throwing ourselves off a bridge, or sticking our heads in the oven.

Thursday-Turkey Day!!! The Nevling men carried on our yearly tradition (although my cousins tried to ruin it for us last year with their stupid "seating arrangement" game) of watching football. Ok, I understand and can appreciate that it is tradition for the Lions to play on Thanksgiving day. But can we at least get an equally horrible team to play them, so we can maybe get a good game?? How about the Cardinals?? Maybe even Temple? Wait, how about the Mo Valley powder-puff team?? After that game, we ate dinner and I proceeded to completely gorge myself. Yes, I am a total pig on Thanksgiving. I probably had more food than all the women (there were 5 of them) combined. I then somehow was able to stay awake long enough to make it back to Altoona for work the next day.

Ok, I've been typing for a very long time now, so I'll have to pick this up tomorrow....

Random Web Things

2006-11-20T18:46:00.000-05:00

Ok, I know I haven't posted anyting lately, but I've just been way to busy (Read: I'm f*cking lazy). I promise I'll do something decent sometime this week, but for now, here are some random things I found on the web:

Kramer Racist Rant - Michael Richards (aka Kramer from Seinfeld) loses his mind at a comedy show
Best of Will Farrell - Some Will Farrell clips including 2 of my favorites: Neil Diamond and Voice-Emodulation Man. Don't ask why the Old School clip is in German.
White Boy Dunks - This kid dunks off his friend's back in a game. This tops the Bellwood hook-shot.
Barats & Berata - These guys are pretty funny. Check out the Mother's Day clip. Hilarious.

Vote for Pedro

2006-11-07T21:46:00.000-05:00

I cannot wait for this week to be over. Sure, it will be nice to not have to go to work for a few days and watch some football on the weekend. But I'll be happy when this election is over. While I am interested in politics, my good friend and fellow genius Kelly hit the nail on the head today when she said that elections do nothing but make people angry and argumentative.

And when people get angry, they say dumb things. Here's my list of the dumbest political things I've heard people I know say:

7) "If Bush wins, I'm going to kill myself" - Yeah. That's an appropriate response
6) "I'm very disappointed in Pennsylvanians. I'm thinking about moving out of the state" (said after Kerry carried the PA vote in 2004) - Similar to the last one, don't you think this might be a little bit of an overreaction? Especially considering Bush won the election
5) "I never would have guessed you're one of THEM. You just don't look like a Democrat" (said to me by someone after finding out my political affiliation) - I'm sorry. From now on, I'll wear my Donkey tie and my liberal bonnet to avoid any confusion.
4) "Say no to Kokoskie" (sign put up in reference to the race between Camille "Bud" George (D) and Richard Hansel (R)) - This makes sense. Let's put up a sign slamming someone who's not even in the race. That would have been like John Kerry running an anti-Dwight Eisenhower campain.
3) "Nucular" - I have to throw this in. Would somebody please tell President Bush the correct pronunciation of the word 'nuclear'
2) "You didn't vote, so you have no right to comment on politics" - I didn't vote on American Idol, but does that mean I can't say that Clay Aiken is a fruit?
1) "I'll be ok if Santorum and Swann lose. The Bible says (something about God allowing/choosing people to be kings)." - Follow me on this one: If this is true, then there is no free will. God is choosing our leaders. If God is choosing our leaders, then God chose Hitler. If God chose Hitler, he must hate Jews. If God hates Jews, the Mel Gibson must be right. If Mel Gibson is right, the apocolypse is upon us and this election really doesn't matter.

So happy election everyone. Don't say anything dumb, or you'll make my list next year. Just sit back, relax, and enjoy coverage of the Virginia's Goode-Weed House race.

YouTube

2006-10-30T18:24:00.000-05:00

I just discovered this YouTube thing. Ok, maybe discovered is a bad choice there. I knew what YouTube was, I had linked to several videos on it, but for some reason I never drew the connection that "Hey, I can search for cool videos on here". So yes, I may have a learning disability.

Anyway, there is a lot of cool stuff on there. If you're into live music, they have some kick ass live performances. I was up until 12:30 last night just surfing around going, "I wonder if they have (insert band here) playing (insert song here) ." Ok, so maybe Guns N' Roses was in 90% of my searches, but even being a huge GNR fan, I found stuff I had never seen before.

So, if you're interested, check it out. I would highly recommend Axl and Elton John doing Bohemian Rhapsody at the Freddie Mercury Tribute. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hoYkSbXt8ro).

Gotta run now. I need to see if I can find any more versions of November Rain.

Why Are People So Selfish and Jealous That They Ruin Things For Everyone?

2006-10-23T18:06:00.000-04:00

The original title of this post was going to be "Why Do Women C*ck-Block?", but my friend/editor Lindsay made me have a change of heart. I guess it is unfair to categorize all women as C-Blockers, and men could certainly fall into that category as well (though from my experience, its always women). Also, "C-Block" has a sexual connotation (Lindsay thinks its vulgar), so we'll stick with "Ruin Things For Everyone".

Now that that is out of the way, back to my question...why do people do this? For those of you who don't know what I'm talking about, let me give you the scenario...Person A is a female. She goes out with her friend, Person B, who is also a female. Person A meets Person C, who is a male (or female if she's into that sort of thing), and the sparks start to fly. Person B then, for whatever reason, does everything in her power to keep Person A from doing anything with Person C. Everybody have it now? Good.

The usual reason that is given for this is that Person B is just "looking out for her friend." Good for you. How chivalrous. But where the f*ck do you come off thinking that you know what is good or bad for that person? What kind of pathological disorder do you have that puts you on that big of an ego trip? Look at you, you're the puppet master!!! Dance, puppets!! Dance!!

Let's get real. The reason people do this is because they are flat out selfish and/or jealous. When they go out, they want all the attention, and when someone else gets it, they get pissed off. Look, I understand. I've been out with my brother many of times where some girl has picked up on him and not me. It sucks. But do I intervene and ruin it for him?? NO!! Good for him. He lived with me for a summer, and he could have brought anyone back to my house (short of a member of the Manson family) and I wouldn't have cared. He never did, but I would have been happy for him.

So, for those of you who think you might be Person B, and don't know what to do in that situation, follow my lead: Recently, I went out with 2 friends, a guy and a girl. As the night progressed, they started hitting it off and were kind of doing their own thing. That left me all by myself. So what did I do?? Absolutely nothing. I let them do their thing, and I did mine. Are these 2 people going to get married? No. Could they end up regretting this someday? Maybe. But my take is to let everyone make their own choices in life. If they wanted my opinion, they would ask me. But until then, they can do whatever they want.

Take that Mighty Mouse...

2006-10-19T18:18:00.000-04:00

For the past week and half, I've had a rodent problem (insert beaver joke here). There's been this mouse running around and its really pissing me off. The little thing poops all over the place and has already ruined a bag of Doritos.

So, last week I went out and bought some mousetraps. When I got to the store, I saw they had a "new and improved" mousetrap, so being the sucker that I am, I bought it. These traps basically look like giant clothes-pins. You squeeze the one end together, which opens the "mouth" where you put the bait. It then locks in place and when the mouse goes for the bait, the "mouth" closes and kills the sucker....in theory. Then, you just have to simply squeeze the other end together to open the "mouth" and drop the mouse in the garbage. Simple, right?

Well, on my first attempt, I put a little bit of peanut butter in both traps, placed them, and went to bed. When I woke up, the peanut butter was gone, but no mouse. So I tried again: add peanut butter, place traps, go to bed....no peanut butter, no mouse. So then I start experimenting. I'll put more peanut butter on. I'll put less peanut butter on. I'll put a piece of cracker in the peanut butter. I'll stay up late at night with a baseball bat. Nothing works. I was ready to buy the old Mouse Trap board game and set that thing up.

So now, I'm starting to get pissed...and a little worried. I've been feeding this thing for a week now, and I figure it must be 4-feet long by now. I was starting to have visions of waking up with this thing gnawing on my face. So I decided that I was going to screw these new mouse traps and go buy some old-fashioned ones. I didn't even bother to bait the traps last night.

So of course, I come home today and lo and behold, I caught the f*cker. Apparently, it got so used to me feeding it every night, that it kept coming back for the peanut butter. It must have been poking around for it, and sprung the trap. So I can sleep easier now.

I was wondering if the same thing would work on humans. My friend Damon brings in doughnuts to work every Friday. I'm going to see if he'll leave them at home one of these weekends and set a giant bear trap in their place. Boy would I love to see some people get caught in that thing. Of course, that would mean that I wouldn't get any doughnuts that day, so I may have to rethink this....

Here we go again

2006-10-11T19:25:00.000-04:00

I know its still a little early for Halloween, but I figured I'd get the ball rolling this weekend by pretending to be a Penn State fan. That's right folks...for the second year in a row, I will be heading up to State College to actually root for Penn State. I will again be blindly following hoards of people who still think the Nittany Lions have the best football program in the country. (Wake up people...PSU hasn't won a national title in 20 years. In that time, Miami has won 5, Nebraska 3, Florida St. 2, USC 2.)

Anyway, I don't actually go to these things for the game...I go for the tailgating. Last year, Aaron's friend Will had the most awesome tailgate I've ever seen, and I'm hoping to crash it again this year. Once the game starts though, I will really root for Penn St. Even though I refuse to wear blue and white (last year I wore brown), I will cheer them on like everyone else. And since I'm not a big Michigan fan, it should be even easier this time around.

But come Sunday, don't expect me to be all rah-rah if Penn State wins.....the alcohol will have worn off by then. But I figure for one day a year, why not??

Home Sweet Home

2006-10-08T17:58:00.000-04:00

Last night, my friend Steve talked me into going out back in my home town. Now it had been probably about a year since I last when out there, so I forgot how lame it was. I quickly remembered:

Steve wanted to go early, so I got to Reifer's Bar (I'm not making that name up) around 8:30. When I walked in, I noticed 2 things: 1) Steve was the only person there, and 2) the screen door leading into the bar didn't have a screen. So you could literally walk THROUGH the door, which I did several times that night.

Now for those of you who have never been to a small-town bar, there are only a few things you can do there. You can drink. You can play pool. You can play darts. Since I'm no good at the latter two, I stuck with my strength: drinking. Another thing about small town bars is that everything was insanely cheap. If it wasn't for the $5 cover that I would later pay, I would have only spent $10 for the entire night.

So back to Reifer's....After a while there, some more people trickled in and we heard that there was a band at the Elecric Avenue, the "up-scale" bar of the area. Now saying that the Electric Avenue is the "up-scale" bar is like saying that Blanche was the "hot" Golden Girl. But we went there anyway, hoping to find a better time. We didn't. After being there about an hour, a guy came around to collect the $5 cover. We paid it, the band started, and we quickly realized that 1) The band sucked, and 2) Nobody was there. So we split after 4 songs and went back to Reifer's, $5 lighter.

On the way back, Steve decided he needed cigarettes, so we stopped at a convenience store. Inside we found some visibly intoxicated people who were raving about the awesome DJ and dancing going on at the Alley Popper. Hmmm, that sounded like a good time, so we went there. When we walked in the door, we found that there were literally 6 people there and only 2 were dancing. So as to not look like fools, we got a drink then left.

Back at Reifer's, we walked THROUGH the door, hung out for awhile, then I took off, vowing to never come back for at least another year.

WTF??

2006-10-05T19:40:00.000-04:00

This past weekend, when I was out in Harrisburg, I broke the seal early like I always seem to do. I ended up in the men's room that had 3 urinals, each separated by a little wall. I was just finishing my business when a bigger guy came in and went to the stall 2 down from me. He set his beer on the urinal, got himself situated and looked down in the area of his crotch. Upon seeing something down there that must have been shocking to him, he uttered a very quizzical, "What the f*ck??". I got out of there before he figured out what was going on down there.

What in the world could he possibly have seen? I look down at my crotch several times a day and never have I seen anything that warranted a "What the f*ck??". Was he missing something? Did he all of a sudden have too much of something? My personal theory is that he happened to actually catch a glimpse of Aaron (and his shy bladder) actually using a men's room.

My Dream....

2006-09-28T18:05:00.000-04:00

It's Thursday, and I'm still trying to come down from last weekend. I'm going bowling tonight, so hopefully that will help take the edge off.

In combining 2 themes from last weekend, when I die, I want to return to earth as a stripper pole in a club that plays "Crazy Bitch" by Buckcherry non-stop. Ok, its not the greatest song in the world, but for some reason girls go nuts when they hear it.

I really don't have much more to post. I just thought of that and thought I'd share.

What a weekend...

2006-09-26T19:02:00.000-04:00

I've been trying for the last 3 days to come up with a way to sum up the events of the past weekend and not write a novel, but I just don't think its possible. So I guess I'll just throw out some "thank you's"...

Steph, thanks for the spontaneous Harrisburg invite on Friday night. It was well worth the tank of gas and the $11.50 in tolls. It was such a crazy, random night and though I don't remember all of it, I know that I now have probably the longest girl story in the world that doesn't end with the guy getting some.

Jamie, thanks for throwing such a KICK ASS PARTY!!! Jamesapalooza was great. I think the only thing that could have made it better was if we actually got Lindsay to say "Dirty Snatch". These work parties keep getting better and better.

So, now my big problem is that I'm suffering from PPD, Post-Party Depression. I think this is how heroin junkies feel when they don't get their fix. I was literally sitting around today just ready to go nuts because I was so friggin bored. I may have even developed a little twitch. I think I have a problem....

Movies on the Dish

2006-09-21T18:30:00.000-04:00

I was having a conversation with a friend of mine the other day (who will go unnamed to protect the innocent) and the subject of ordering porn on satellite television came up. We noticed that when one is ordered, it shows up on your "ordered movies" list. It lists the name of the movie (which is always something horrible....my favorite "Fondle My Fart Box"), the date it was ordered, and the price.

Now I swear on the life of my mother that I have never ordered one. But I have been at someone's house who has, and the look of embarrassment on their face when it came up on their "ordered movies" list was priceless. So I wondered, why do Dish Network and Direct TV do this? When you order one at a hotel, it shows up generically on your bill, so there's no shame when you pay at the front desk. I've heard ads on the radio that promise to send things to your house in a discreet box. Why don't Dish Network and Direct TV get on the ball and follow suit? How many husbands need to get berated by the wives for trying to get some late-night enjoyment? How many teenagers need to get grounded just because they're trying to satisfy their raging hormones? When will the madness end?!?!?!

To be 21 again....

2006-09-17T21:22:00.000-04:00

Friday night, I went down to State College to celebrate my friend Steve's 21st birthday. Now I knew going in that I would be the oldest person there, but I figured, "What the hell. I'm not doing anything that night." Besides, its always fun to relive your college days every now and then.

So I get to Penn State, and immediately notice the abundance of attractive girls on the street. I immediately start getting the "I'm getting old" feelings and I realize that I have been out of school for way to long. So I park my car in a parking garage (this will be important later) and start walking to Steve's friend Tom's apartment. With a home football game the next day, the streets at Penn State are alive with excitement. I'm starting to get pumped up as I'm picturing a big party.

I get to Tom's place, the door opens...and there's no party. It's Tom, his roommate, and Steve watching Ghostbusters. Now I guess I understand this. Most of Steve's friends are under 21, so he really can't invite them over, then dump them at midnight when he goes out. So that leaves the over-21 crew, the 3 of us, to wait 4 hours until Steve turns into a pumpkin.

I'd never met Tom's roommate before, but he was cool and we just drank and BS'd for awhile. Steve then decided to start playing "Circle of Death". I'd never played before and I quickly learn that its the most complicated drinking game ever. You lay all the cards face down, and go around in a circle each drawing a card. Depending on the value of you card, you have to do something different, and.....well, its just confusing. Plus, I haven't played a drinking game in about 5 years, and I quickly get bored. It was kind of weird playing with just other guys too, because there is nothing more fun than 1) Getting a girl drunk and 2) Watching a drunk girl do dumb things. Tom and I amused ourselves though by giving Steve the "21 treatment" by making him drink repeatedly and even do a couple beer bongs.

FINALLY, 12:00 rolls around and we head out. Apparantly bars in St. College have some dumb rule about not being allowed into a bar until 26 hours after you turn 21. Others will let you in, but you can't do shots. So, we first went to the Cell Block, which apparently didn't care what we did, because they let Steve right in. The Cell Block was formerly the Crowbar, and it was sad to see it turned into a dance club. I went to the Crowbar a lot and saw some good bands there, and never had a bad time. The Cell Block was cool, but since I don't know many rap songs post-"Ice Ice Baby", it wasn't my scene.

After a little while there, we went up to The Saloon, where the guy at the door played Paint By Numbers on the back of Steve's hands and gave us a 5-minute lecture on not getting him shots. So we got him a monkey-boy pitcher, and watched one of my favorite bands, Velveeta, play. I realized that being in a band in State College is simple because all you have to do is every 5-minutes reference the next days football game, say something bad about another Big Ten school, or start a "We Are..." chant, and everyone goes nuts.

We leave at closing, and I decide that I'm going to spend the night at Steve's. Since the parking meter starts running at 8AM, I figure I'll move my car to Steve's place (about 5 blocks away) and avoid the ticket. So we go back to the parking garage, and low and behold, I've got a ticket. I look at it, and see it's for "Not Parking Completely Between the Lines". At this point, I am livid. First, the spaces are barely big enough to fit a car, and secondly, the car beside me was parked over the line, forcing me to shift a little. And the car beside me didn't have a ticket!!!!

So I get back to Steve's, and get ready to turn in. I'm sleeping on the floor in his room, and just as I'm settling in, I hear him get up, say something about throwing up and run off. He returns a few minutes later, lays down, pulls a garbage can up beside him, and proceeds to puke for a half-hour straight.

Oh to be 21 again....

9/11

2006-09-13T19:02:00.000-04:00

We recently had the 5th anniversary of the 9/11 terrorist attacks. Now I don't know why all aniversaries that end in five or zero are important (and the other ones don't seem to be), but that's for another day. I noticed that CNN and Howard Stern were replaying their 9/11 broadcasts as if they were happening all over again. I didn't tune into either, but I really wished I had caught the Stern replay as I started listening to him the day after the attacks, and remember his reactions.

To be honest, I really hadn't given too much thought to the anniversary, until Monday night when I was watching football at my friend Jamie's house. The group of us started talking about it, remembering where we were that day, what we were doing, etc. I realized that 9/11 is the Kennedy Assassination of my generation. Everybody will always remember that day in detail. I was in Pittsburgh at the time, doing my intership at US Steel. I remember they had a TV across the hall from my cube, where we watched the whole thing. When Flight 93 went down, the reporters just kept saying "Pittsburgh" over and over again. I called my parents and my girlfriend at the time, and assured them that I was ok and that if anything happened, I loved them. To this day, those were the hardest calls I've ever had to make.

Looking back, its seems a little absurd to think that something was going to happen to me. I was in a 2 story building on the South Side, so I wasn't in a skyscraper nor near one. But that day, and for the following month, the rumors that went around were crazy....but we believed them all. I distinctly remember being apprehensive about driving through the Squirrel Hill Tunnels for awhile because there was a rumor that they would be a target.

Now I don't want to make my blog political (especially since everyone who reads this is probably more conservative than I am), but it really pisses me off that it's been 5 years, and bin Laden is still on the loose. I remember when we attacked Afghanistan because we were after bin Laden and the terrorists. Maybe it's just me, but somewhere along the way, we seemed to have lost our focus.

Anyway, for those of you who weren't so angered by my psuedo-political nonsense that you made it this far, feel free to drop a line and tell where you were and what you were doing on 9/11. It's interesting to think of the mundane things that we were caught up in on that day, before all the craziness started.

Failure, Part II

2006-09-07T17:49:00.000-04:00

After last night, I realized that another sign of failure is that even when you do everything in your power to succeed, bad luck, fate, or a drunken friend intervenes to cause your downfall.

Last night, I made it a point to get to bed early. Every part of me wanted to stay up and watch the Andy Roddick tennis match (even though I could care less about the US Open or tennis in general), but I forced myself to go to sleep. Around 1:15 I was awakened by the sound of my cell phone. I use my cell phone as my alarm clock only with a different ring tone, so there is always a moment of confusion when it goes off in the middle of the night. Is it "Fall To Pieces" (phone call) or "Start Me Up" (alarm clock)? Last night it was a phone call.

It turns out that my friend Stephany had been out on the town in Philly and decided that I would be interested in hearing about it. Now Stephany has done this before, and had sworn to me that she would never do it again. So the first words out of her mouth are pretty much "I am so sorry." Which makes no sense, because if she really was sorry, she wouldn't have called. So, after 15 minutes of pointless banter, she tells me that she is going back out and leaves me in that nice state of being tired, but needing to unwind again. A half hour later, I finally fell back to sleep.

I am really not mad at Stephany. Do I wish she would have called? No. But it does give me and amusing story, and really, I'm no worse off because of it. Though, I would like to put a new rule in place for her (and her sisters) that if they go out, they must give their cell phones to someone sober. Kind of a Designated Caller.

Oh, and I'd like to apologize for my post last night. Apparently it didn't come off as tongue-in-cheek as I wanted it too, so for all of you who have put me on suicide watch, I really don't think I'm a failure.

Failure

2006-09-06T18:33:00.000-04:00

I'm starting to think that I may be a failure. We all set goals for ourselves, right? And if we constantly come up short on achieving these goals, then we could be considered failures, correct? And what if we consistantly set the same goal, and fail to accomplish it over and over again?

Well, I set the same goal for myself every day. As a matter of fact, it's the first thing I think of when I wake up in the morning. I think "Today is the day I'm going to do this." Every morning on my trip from the bed (or couch depending on where I fall asleep) to the bathroom, I tell myself, "Michael, you have to get to bed earlier tonight." Do I ever accomplish this? NO!! I fail to do this day in and day out, all year long. So, on a quantitative basis, if I fail at a single task 365 times a year, I might be a failure.

Maybe I should try for something I know I can do. Like tie my shoes or something....

Thank God for football

2006-09-05T19:11:00.000-04:00

Labor Day has to be the 3rd best holiday of the year (after Thanksgiving and Christmas) as it is the kickoff to another football season. I was pretty much glued to my television set (other than the 2 hours that I played Trivial Pursuit with my family, which my Dad won) for the entire weekend. My thoughts after the first week of the college season:

- Why do top 25 teams schedule cupcakes for their first game? I understand that you want to start the season off with a win, but I guarantee that most of these teams get better competition in practice. Northern Illinois, North Texas, Louisiana-Lafeyette, Akron....nothing is gained by beating those teams. The only thing that can happen is that you drop in the polls with a lousy performance (see Oklahoma vs. UAB). Do what Notre Dame, Auburn and USC did and schedule a middle of the pack school from a big name conference.
- Why do we have preseason rankings? #9 California got destroyed by #22 Tennessee. #2 Notre Dame looked like poo against unranked Georgia Tech. If Notre Dame were to lose this week to Penn St. and Tennessee were to win again, Notre Dame will probably still be ranked ahead of them (and possibly Penn St. too) just because of some arbitrary preseason ranking.
- What happened to the Big 12? In the past 15 years, four Big 12 schools (Colorado, Texas, Oklahoma, Nebraska) have won the National Championship. But it seems that Texas is the only National Championship caliber school left in the conference. Colorado lost to Montana St, Oklahoma had trouble with UAB, and Nebraska isn't what it once was. I understand that there are ups and downs in college football, but usually when one school goes down, another is on the way up.

And now for my weekly Penn St. and Florida St. review/rant:
Ok, ok. Penn State is back. JoePa finally realized that he had to play freshmen and he's winning the recruiting wars again. But they didn't look all that good on Saturday from what I saw. My buddy Aaron, who is the biggest Penn St fan/apologist in the world (he was still talking smack when they were having losing seasons), was at the game and he said even he wasn't impressed. And like I said earlier, what really do they get out of beating Akron? They roll into Notre Dame this weekend, for what should be a great game. Penn St. has some of the best receivers in the country and they'll score some points, but I think ND will win for 3 reasons: 1) Home field advantage: South Bend, Touchdown Jesus, renewing a rivalry....not a place I'd like to take a quarterback for his first ever road start. 2) ND will be pissed off after having a crap performance against GT. 3) ND played a decent team last week, so they'll be a little more prepared for the speed of the game.

FSU vs. Miami. Almost always one of the best games of the year, unless you're an FSU fan, which I am. ESPN Classic played a bunch of old FSU-Miami games yesterday, and Miami won every one of them. As a matter of fact, I don't think I've ever seen a game on Classic that FSU has won. Anyway, I'm not completely sold on this being the first game of the year. Granted, the losing team has plenty of time to get back to the top of the polls (Miami got back to #3 at one point last year), but it usually takes a couple weeks to get the offense up to speed, and as a result, you get the bludgeoning of last night. Three total yards of rushing between the teams (FSU was at 5 until Weathorford took a knee at the end). Those were 2 of the fastest defenses I've ever seen. And to think that FSU lost 4 guys in the first round of the draft. It was a typical FSU-Miami game: FSU makes a bunch of dumb penalties, Miami gets some big plays, FSU takes a small lead early in the 4th. I really expected Miami to score a touchdown on one of their last 2 drives, just because I've seen it so many times. But alas, FSU pulled it out. A lot was made after them game about "the adjustments" Jeff Bowden made as offensive coordinator. Let's get this straight....Jeff Bowden is offensive as coordinator. That offense has been unimaginative since he took over. Changing you're "strategy" to throw the ball up to your big guys is not genius....its desperate.

Anyway, the schedule sets up nicely for FSU. They only have 3 more away games, and Florida and Clemson come to Tallahassee. They'll still probably lose at least one game they shouldn't on the way.

How could you not know who GNR is?!?!

2006-08-30T22:32:00.000-04:00

A British radio station recently asked its listeners to come up with the top 40 guitar soloes of all time. For those of you that doubt the genius of Slash, GNR had 3 songs in the top 20, more than any other group. I think it just proves that good guitar playing is not about playing as fast or as hard as you can, but taking your time and finding meaningful melodies. But I digress....On to the top 20:

1 Pink Floyd - Comfortably Numb
2 Guns N' Roses - Sweet Child O' Mine
3 Lynyrd Skynyrd - Freebird
4 Van Halen - Eruption
5 Guns N' Roses - November Rain
6 Led Zeppelin - Stairway to Heaven
7 Dire Straits - Sultans of Swing
8 Jethro Tull - Aqualung
9 The Eagles - Hotel California
10 Deep Purple - Child In Time
11 Queen - Brighton Rock
12 Jimi Hendrix - All Along The Watchtower
13 Deep Purple - Highway Star
14 Wishbone Ash - Throw Down The Sword
15 Ozzy Osbourne - No More Tears
16 Cream - Crossroads
17 Guns N' Roses - Paradise City
18 Led Zeppelin - Since I've Been Loving You
19 Ten Years After - I'm Going Home (Woodstock)
20 Jimi Hendrix - Voodoo Chile

Some random comments: I listened to "Comfortably Numb" today, and while it does have a great solo, I don't think its truely memorable. At least not enough to be #1.....Believe it or not, Slash actually hated the intro to "Sweet Child O' Mine"......For my money, the end solo to "November Rain" is the greatest of all time. Pure emotion. From the first time I heard it, I knew I wanted to play guitar.....Glad to see "Since I've Been Loving You" on the list. Not a very well known Zeppelin song, but it has some of my favorite blues lines.....I noticed that there were no songs from the grunge era or later. While I do like some of modern rock, I truely think that grunge killed the guitar......Oh, and what a surprise. Lit didn't make the list.

Disclaimer

2006-08-29T18:13:00.000-04:00

I was walking through the pharmacy section of Sam's Club yesterday, and I stopped to look at a bottle of Hydroxycut. For those that don't know, Hydroxycut is a weight-loss supplement that was big back when ephedra was legal. Reading the label I noticed the following information:

Supports Weight Loss*
Increases Energy*
Boosts Metabolism*
Ephedra-Free

* These statements have not been evaluated by the FDA.....Regular exercise and proper nutrition are essential for achieving your weight-loss goals.

What the hell is that? Here's what I get out of it: 1) None of this stuff (other than ephedra-free) has really been tested, but we're just going to say it does them, and 2) This will only work if you exercise and eat right, which will cause you to lose weight regardless of the damn pills.

Isn't this wonderful? Imagine if all products were like this. For example, what if condoms had disclaimers on them: "Guaranteed to work if you never have sex"? How about seat belts: "For best results, don't wreck your car"?

Well, it just so happens that I'm about ready to market a new product. I've been keeping it quiet for awhile, but I think its time to let everyone in on it. Every guy wants to be more attractive and increase they're chances of having sex. Ladies and gentlemen, let me introduce Iso-Mex the product guaranteed to get you laid*

* For best results use when with a hooker.

Bad Parent

2006-08-24T19:57:00.000-04:00

From time to time my good buddy Aaron will send out pictures that he takes of his daughter Madison. Now Madison is an adorable child, and I feel somewhat bad that she has Aaron as a father. I will admit though, that up to this point Aaron has been an excellent dad, and I'm proud of him.

Well, today Aaron sent some pictures and his friend Will pointed out that one of them had something interesting in it:

Now Aaron claims that this is not one of his sex toys and that its actually a picture of a hat from some book his daughter has. Initially I gave Aaron the benefit of the doubt, because I really didn't think he would leave stuff like that laying around a one-year old child (although the penis-shaped hat thing was a little confusing). But then I saw this picture:

What is going on over at the Mills household?? Would somebody please call child services?

Fantasy Football

2006-08-22T22:20:00.000-04:00

I got talked into playing fantasy football with a couple of guys from work, and we had our draft tonight. We used EA Sports for the league, which is a really cool site. Unfortunately, by doing it online we missed out on all the beer drinking and trash talking that I thought was a necessary part of this process.

Considering this was my first time, I didn't think I did too bad. I was picking 7th out of 12, and my goal was to get starting RBs in the first 2 rounds. After that, it was a crap shoot.

The draft was a little crazy as there was a run on defenses/special teams early on. I've never seen a mock draft where defenses went that early, so I had to take one sooner than I thought. The highlight of the night was when somebody took Ricky Williams in the 13th round. Apparently pot-smoking and CFL touchdowns earn you points in this league. Had I known that I would have taken Cheech and Chong.

So here's what I ended up with. I accomplished my goal of 2 starting RBs. The only thing I'm kind of shaky on are WRs. I took a few flyers on some guys and I'm hoping they pan out:

RB Edgerrin James
RB Cadillac Williams - I have questions on both these guys, but if they stay healthy, they should be good.
QB Tom Brady - SI's #1 rated QB. I couldn't believe he was still around.
WR Chris Chambers - By this time the premier receivers were gone and I was scrounging
WR Donald Driver - Still scrounging....
TE Todd Heap - Top 5 fantasy TE, so I was ecstatic to get him here.
RB Joseph Addai - I had the old Edgerrin James, so I figured I'd get the new one too.
D/ST Washington Redskins - With Randle El, they may get a few special teams TDs
WR Antonio Bryant - I have no idea who this guy is
WR Matt Jones - Hopefully Byron Leftwich's #1 guy
WR Michael Jenkins - Again, who is this guy?
QB Mark Brunell - Hopefully he makes it to Brady's bye week
RB Greg Jones - Former FSU star will play when Fred Taylor inevitably gets injured
K Lawrence Tynes - Are kickers even real football players?
WR Charles Rodgers - Cross my fingers an hope Mike Martz makes him good

So that's it. I'll keep you posted on how I do. Some of those picks were really iffy and I'll either end up looking like a genius or an idiot. At least I didn't pick Ricky Williams.

Blind Date

2006-08-19T20:41:00.000-04:00

Last night was the highly anticipated blind date that I probably told half the world about. Blind dates are always interesting to me because you really get to see what your friends think of you. They are basically setting you up with a person that they think is on the same attractiveness level that you are on. After the last blind date I went on, I almost cut my head off because my friend apparently thought I was at "troll" level.

So last night rolls around, and we had decided that we were going to go to a Curve game. So I'm dressed and ready to go, and let me tell you, I look pretty damn good. The months at the gym and some new clothes are really paying off. She calls to tell me that, she's running late (not a good sign), and the game is sold out; its standing room only. Great, so its possible that I may have to stand for 3 hours next to a troll. At least they sell beer there...

She finally shows up at my place. (I had offered to pick her up, but she said no.) She gets out of her car, and I breathe a sigh of relief.....no troll. Ok, so my friend doesn't put me at Jessica Alba level, but he certainly didn't pull anyone out of the gutter. So hurdle one is crossed.

We drive to the game and she insists on paying for parking. As we go to buy tickets, we run into her brother, who had 2 tickets that someone just gave to him. He gave them to us, so that we can sit, which was really cool of him. We take our seats (8 rows back, halfway down the 3rd base line), and start talking. Conversation goes pretty good. She's an outgoing girl, who's super easy to talk to (unlike the troll who I peppered with questions for an hour and a half and only got 5 word responses). We actually have a decent amount in common: volleyball, basketball, coaching, etc. So far this date is going well: I'm with a decent girl, who's easy to talk to, and so far I've haven't spent a single penny.

So the game ends (13-1, Curve) and they start the fireworks. Now I have lived a half-mile from the stadium for a year, heard the fireworks go off all the time, and this was the first time I actually saw them. Ok, so they aren't anything great, but they are decent.

Fireworks end, and I suggest we go out for drinks at Zach's. She seems less than thrilled, but goes along. After a beer and some more conversation, 2 of her friends show up. I was immediately disappointed, because from my experience, if the girls out-number the guys by at 3-1 margin, it turns into a "I Hate Guys"-fest. So it was at this point that I started drinking a little heavier. I give my date a lot of credit though, because she made it a point to keep me in the conversation, and even talk to me alone. I did pick up the tab for the 4 of us, so I spent a total of $16 on the evening.

We rap things up around midnight, drive back to my place, and go our separate ways. There was no hanky-panky (sorry to disappoint you perverts).

So my thoughts: I had a good time, but there was no massive connection between us. Could there be? I don't know. Would I got out with her again? Yes. I had fun. Also, it's been quite a while since I've done the dating thing, and I could tell that I was out of practice. I can't really describe it, but I felt like I do when I play basketball after not having touched a ball in months: my timing was just a little off. Blind dates are hard too, because I don't want to offend the other person. I can be a pretty raunchy at times, and say things that would make a sailor cringe. And while I learned a long time ago to never try to be somebody that you are not, I'm not about to go dropping F-bombs and joking about her menstrual cycle. That is more of a 3rd date thing.

What Happens Under the Tree, Stays Under the Tree

2006-08-13T21:31:00.000-04:00

Well, the party as come and gone, and I must say it was another rousing success. I always get nervous before any party that I throw that people aren't going to enjoy themselves, there won't be enough food, etc. But everything went really well.

My brother and I woke up around 10:00 and went to work doing last minute preperation. We were rushing because our plan was to start drinking as early as possible. We finished up everything around 2:00, just about the time that my family (minus mom) showed up. We all sat on the back deck, and I got to hang out and drink beer with my Dad....one of my favorite things to do. Matt and I started pounding drinks, and he started construction on a Rolling Rock pyramid, which stood at 18 cans this morning. For some stupid reason, I decided that I wanted to be drunk before the first guests arrived. Mission accomplished...

After that, my memories are kind of snapshots in time....Mike from work brought his wife and 2 young sons, who I proceeded curse around for 2 hours.....Lindsay, Kelly and myself playing nose flute upstairs......work stories.....my Mom not being pleased that 2 of her sons were that drunk.....trying to get information on the girl Junior is trying to hook me up with.....Dylan, aka Rocket Scientist, aka Dwight showing up unexpectedly......"What happens under the tree, stays under the tree".....Dylan climbing a tree.......Lindsay calling Matt gay and Matt making horrible spousal abuse jokes about her.....it goes on and on.

So other than having way too much beer left over (I have almost 5 cases), everything went really well. Some people who said they were going to be there, didn't show up, which is cool.....except for the one who knew all along she wasn't going to come, but still said she was.

Now the worst part about any party is the clean-up. Especially when you're hungover. I was not in good shape this morning. Matt actually went into work at 4:30AM, and I don't know how he did it. I pretty much didn't move until 3:30, other than trips to the bathroom, where I did #1, #2 AND #3 to expunge all the alcohol from my system....not fun. I finally got my ass off the couch and cleaned up all the chairs, tables, etc. and drove them up to my parents. Matt and I finished off the rest when he got home, and house is now back to normal.

So to all you who were here, thanks for coming. It was a great time. Mark it on your calendar...second Saturday in August next year.

Mr. Clean

2006-08-10T22:09:00.000-04:00

I haven't been blogging lately because I've been too busy getting ready for my second annual summertime bash this weekend. So for those of you who would rather read my stupid blog then come drink copious amounts of beer at my place, then I apologize. Otherwise, just bear with me.

So getting ready for a party involves massive amounts of cleaning. Last year it wasn't bad, since I had just moved in and hadn't had much time to dirty the place up. Now that I've been here for a whole year (and had a roommate the last 2 months), there's a little more work involved. And yes, I have cleaned it since my last party.

I've been working non-stop since I got home at 5:00 today--cleaning, mowing the lawn, pulling weeds, shopping, etc., and I am exhausted. So far, I have received very little help from my brother. Now to be fair, he works 2 jobs, and doesn't have too many hours to help. But, at least 50% of the mess is his, so he should help a little.

His theory though, is "They know we're slobs." Which is missing the entire point. First of all, I don't consider myself a slob. I'm by no means a neat freak, but my house was always fairly clean until he moved in. Secondly, the whole purpose of cleaning the house is to fool people into thinking that we are NOT slobs. This is the first time that most of my coworkers have ever visited my place, and I'd like to leave a good impression. So, contrary to what my brother thinks, this is not going to be some wild and crazy college party. If I catch anyone pissing in my living room, I will punch them in the nuts (or the ovaries), then kick you out.

But I shouldn't worry though, because my brother is going to "turn into a machine" Saturday morning to help get ready for this party. Now I have a few problems with that. One, he works Friday night, so he probably won't wake up until about noon. Two, like myself, he plans to start drinking as soon as he wakes up. So I don't know how much serious work he is going to do on Saturday.

I took tomorrow off to finish getting everything ready myself. I have the entire upstairs (encluding the bathroom) to clean, some laundry to do, and some odds and ends to finish outside. And I still haven't bought beer yet, since all the master distributors close at 5:00.

So, if any of you come to my party on Saturday, I'll either be drunk or dead. Either way, please take your shoes off before walking on the carpet....I just cleaned it.

Nothin' but a Good Time

2006-08-06T11:25:00.000-04:00

I will admit that I was more than a little embarassed about my whereabouts on Friday night. Who really wants to admit that they were at a Poison concert? At the Clearfield County Fair, no less. If Webster was going to put a picture beside the definition of "hair band" they would have to put a picture of Poison up. They had the biggest hair, the best (or worst, depending on your point of view) make-up, the tightest spandex....Definitely not a CD you want to be blasting when the girls pull up beside you at 17th St...

I must also admit though, that I was really excited about this. The '80s are my favorite genre of rock music as it was when the music was just starting to get heavy, but there was a lot of great guitar soloes.

So here's a rundown of the night:

Got home, chugged a couple beers, and took off for the show with Aaron, Kim and David. Upon arriving and paying an extra $5 for parking and admittance, ate some Fair food. Quickly lost my buzz. Took our seats around 7:40 and watch the people come in. Realized that half of my graduating class is in attendance...sad. Collectively, we decided that we have really good seats: 30 rows back, just to the right of the stage.

Poison started at about 8:20, and put on a pretty damn good show. Bret Michaels was the Bret Michaels of old, plus about 20lbs. He sounded like his old self though. Bobby Dall looked creepy. Rikki Rocket, who I'm not totally convinced is straight, twirled his sticks, threw them around, and did all the other cool/cheesy stuff that '80s drummers did. CC stole the show, though. He had his hair spiked about 6-inches high and ran around like a maniac doing all the crazy stuff that guitarists don't do anymore: tapping, vibrato-bar dives, harmonics, etc. His solo was pretty good: "Cat Scratch Fever" with some "Eruption" and maybe a little Hendrix in there. He's really an underrated guitarist. (Apparently though, he must be told when to solo. Bret introduced his solo on every song, and CC actually introduced himself on one.)

All in all, it was a really good show. They played all their classics (you'd be surprised at how many you know) and very few other songs for a pretty tight hour and a half show. One of the few shows that I've ever seen that builds do a crecendo. They closed with their 4 most popular songs: "Every Rose...", "Unskinny Bop", "Nothin' But a Good Time", and "Talk Dirty to Me", and like a teenage girl, I sang all the words.

Mel Gibson is crazy

2006-08-01T22:19:00.000-04:00

In case you haven't heard, Mel Gibson made some anti-Semetic remarks recently, that have landed him in got water. Apparently he said, "the Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world." I'm pretty sure that's not true (I don't think Saddam Hussein and George Bush are Jewish), but if nothing else, it makes for some great comedy. Here are a couple other things you probably didn't know about Jewish people (courtesy of Best Week Ever):

- Jews have secretly been trying to make candy and ice cream illegal.
- Jews are the ones who made it so hot outside
- Jews don’t want you to know how to save money on your car insurance by using Geico
- Jews killed all the unicorns, which is why you don’t see them much these days

And here are a few more:

- Jews founded Tyrone
- Jews won't let you buy beer at the 17th St. Sheetz
- Jews keep raising the price of gasoline
- Jews broke up Van Halen
- Jews always wear mesh shorts

(Note: I love Jewish people. This is not in anyway meant to be offensive to anyone. It's simply a joke. If you are offended, you need to get a sense of humor. If it makes you feel better, I'll rip on my own religion:

- Catholics make the Pirates suck every year
- Catholics invented the "Are You Gelling" commercials

- Catholics don't believe in birth control (this one, by the way, is true, and therefore the most ridiculous)

Dynasty

2006-07-30T20:19:00.000-04:00

For the 3rd year in a row, my team has taken home the volleyball championship....Ok, church volleyball championship. Not quite so impressive now, huh? When I started playing about 10 years ago, there were a lot of good teams. Teams would play "real volleyball"--pass, set, spike--and it was usually a toss-up between 5-6 teams. You actually had to be a decent player to have a chance.

Lately though, my team, Holy Trinity (there's a name that will put fear in your hearts), has dominated. We're the only team that plays "real volleyball" consistently, so we basically just beat up on young kids and old ladies. Pretty pathetic, huh? The things I have to do for an ego boost....

Anyway, we finished the year with a 32-1 record, and won our 4th title in 6 years. So, congratulations to Jamie, Megan, Steve, Ben, Craig, David and myself for proving that God likes Catholics the best.

Friday Night Encounter

2006-07-30T19:52:00.000-04:00

I had a strange encounter Friday night...I was driving on Plank Road, going towards Greenwood and got stopped at the light by the 17th St. Sheetz. An SUV pulled up beside me with two girls in it. I made eye contact with one of them, and then looked away. These situations always make me a little uncomfortable. What am I supposed to do? Start shouting across traffic?

Well, I guess that IS what you're supposed to do, because a moment later, I heard their window go down and somebody shout "Excuse me, what kind of radio do you have?". Now I have a Sirius satellite hookup that shows the name of the song and band in brigher lights than in Vegas, so she must have seen that. Well, it turns out that "she wants one", "she's jealous of me", "it's so cool"...oh, and "do you want my number?" By this time, I had deduced that these ladies were probably about 19. There is absolutely nothing wrong with 19, but I've made a rule with myself that 21 is the minimum. So, at this point, I'm skeptical.

So, by now the light as turned green and we're driving on Plank Road, and she's shouting her number out the window. I had no way to write it down, so I promptly forgot it. It started with a 9 if somebody wants to try to figure it out....Oh and her name was Dee, but I'm not sure because by that time we were doing 45 and the wind was whipping pretty good. They turned off, I turned off later, and that was it.

Ok, throwing all the age crap aside, these girls were fairly decent looking, with the driver being more my type than the passenger. I had no conversation with the driver, just he passenger. So, given the proper situation--at a bar (not the highway) with girls old enough to remember the Reagan administration--what is the proper way to move from a girl to her friend? You've been talking to one girl, but you REALLY want to be talking to her friend. Is there a tactful way to pull that off? Or do you just screw tact, and blow the first girl off? Or do you just give up, and get a good drunk on?

Average Joe

2006-07-27T18:17:00.000-04:00

Have you ever heard of any of these people: Jeff Posey, Kevin Mench, Dudley Hart, Nathalie Dechy, Steven Reinprecht, Paul Goldstein, Antonio Daniels, Tina Barrett. What two things do these people have in common? 1) They are all incredibly average at their profession. 2) They all make more money than most of us will ever hope to make.

The most recent issue of Sports Illustrated has an article about what the average professional makes in the major sports (in order of the above athletes--football, baseball, men's golf, women's tennis, hockey, men's tennis, basketball, women's golf). These people make an exorbitant amount of money for playing a game....a game which they aren't even the best at.

Now don't get me wrong. I LOVE sports. I'm about ready to shoot myself right now because the only sport in season is baseball, and the Pirates suck. But the amount of money that these people make to be average is ridiculous. And all they do is provide some mild entertainment for us on the weekends. Hell most of these people don't even provide entertainment. When was the last time you ever saw Paul Goldstein in the finals at a major championship? Have you ever tuned in to see how Dudley Hart is doing? These people just show up every week and collect a pay check. Which is really the same thing that most people do, so why do they make 10 times as much as I do?

I firmly believe that the highest-paid people in the world should be teachers. Granted I'm a little biased since both my parents are teachers. But teachers are the ones who educate the next generation. If there were no teachers, we'd be back in Medieval Times, where only the clergy were literate. "But what about the average (and poor) teachers," you say? Well, why not treat them like professional athletes. They all get signed to 3-year contracts coming out of college. If they don't cut the mustard after 3-years, they get released. Schools could do trades, sign free-agents, the whole 9-yards. Maybe there'd even be fantasy teacher leagues. "With the first pick in the 2007 fantasy draft, I select Kimberly Mills - Special Education teacher, Moshannon Valley." Ok, maybe I crossed the line, but you get the point....

Victimless Crime - Follow up

2006-07-26T22:05:00.000-04:00

First of all, I apologize to Lindsay for misquoting her on prostitution. I really don't know why she and I were talking about it anyway.

So here's the question: If prostitution was legal, and you were really down in the dumps...Couldn't find a job, Couldn't support your family, etc. Would you ever consider prostitution? Or at least porn? Post your answers in the comments.

I myself would never do either. If you're a gigalo, you're never going to get good-looking chicks. Lets face it, if they're good-looking, they wouldn't be calling you. Plus, as an out-of-shape, average looking guy, I don't think I'd get much business anyway.

Now with porn, it doesn't matter what you look like. If Ron Jeremy can do porn, then Sloth from "The Goonies" can do porn. But the thought of people that I know seeing me in those movies and doing God knows what while they're watching, is too much for me. Plus, I'm not a big fan on needles, so having to get an AIDS test every week doesn't appeal to me.

Victimless Crime

2006-07-25T20:13:00.000-04:00

My coworker and fellow blogger Lindsay and I were talking today, and the subject of prostitution came up. The gist of the conversation was whether or not prostitution should be legal since it is a victimless crime. I'll leave it to Lindsay to go into more detail in her blog (my opinion: It should be legal. Whores and sluts need to make money too), but it got me thinking about another victimless crime: Gambling.

Congress recently passed a bill to "crack down" on internet gambling. This bill will make it illegal for banks and credit card companies to deposit money for a client into an internet gambling account. According to one Congressman, gambling is a "major problem in our society". Ok, so since its a major problem we should stop it. But wait, there was an amendment to the bill to allow online lotteries and off-track betting. And don't almost all states have their own lotteries? Some states, like Pennsylvania, even allow slot machines. So, gambling must only be problem if you are doing it outside one of these government sponsored venues. Apparently, if the government gets a cut of the money, then everything is ok. If not, then its a "major problem." So, I think I shot down this argument.

Another Congressman argued that its never been so easy for people to lose so much money so quickly. "Click the mouse, lose your house" was his slogan. Ok, I agree that is easier than ever for people to lose money gambling. You don't have to drive to a casino any more. You don't have to wait for a dealer to shuffle and deal cards. Everything is at your fingertips from the comfort of your own home. But, why does the government care? They let people smoke and drink themselves to death every day. And we're always told that its "your choice" to do or not do these things. If somebody wants to blow all their money online, let them. If they are degenerate enough to lose their life-savings, then so be it. My take is that if somebody wants to destroy themselves, they'll find a way to do it, regardless of what laws you place in front of them. Another point for me.

And don't give me "It's a moral issue." According to some people, gambling is immoral. The Bible says gambling is wrong. But how many churches do you know that have raffles for fund-raisers? How many churches have weekly BINGO? Again, it seems that gambling is moral if it benefits the church, but immoral any other way.

So, in conclusion, the government is full of shit and this is a completely stupid waste of tax-payer dollars. If you want to regulate it, fine. But don't outlaw it. Prohibition didn't work in the 20s and its not going to work now.

Worst Teammate

2006-07-25T20:04:00.000-04:00

Former Pittsburgh Pirate and grade-A asshole Derek Bell was #6 on Maxim magazine's list of "12 Terrible Teammates" (http://www.maximonline.com/slideshows/preview.aspx?imgCollectId=106&src=gm135). Any jerk who thinks he shouldn't have to compete for his job after hitting .173 the previous year needs beaten. One of my favorite memories of him was going to a game at PNC Park and listening to him get heckled by a guy in the right field stands: "You can't hit with tight pants. You can't hit with baggy pants. Why don't you try no pants?"

Congratulations, Derek. It's nice to know that you're so terrible, the Pirates won't even sign you.

www.clownpenis.fart

2006-07-23T10:56:00.000-04:00

There was a SNL skit a few years ago where a law firm was trying to get on the web and the only domain name available was www.clownpenis.fart. Obviously, this is not a real website, so if you clicked on the link, you are a moron. But I did find a list of real, poorly-conceived domain names. Here are my favorites:

Who Represents -- www.whorepresents.com
Pen Island -- www.penisland.net
Therapist Finder -- www.therapistfinder.com
Mole Station Native Nursery -- www.molestationnursery.com

For the complete list, go to http://independentsources.com/2006/07/12/worst-company-urls/

Green Eggs

2006-07-23T10:44:00.000-04:00

I got to see one of my favorite bar bands, Green Eggs, last night a 4D's. As usual, they played a fun show, even though they did go a little overboard on the rap music. "Regulators", "Ice Ice Baby", and "Baby Got Back" in one night is a little too much for me to handle. Once again, I am resolved to someday start a band again, as this would be the coolest job in the world. If only my drummer had a drumset....

Several of the guys from the gym were there, so it was cool to talk to them outside of a sweaty, testosterone filled context. I also ran into my Little League coach, which was weird. I know that even ex-coaches have to drink somewhere, but I kept looking at him expecting to get the bunt sign.

NCAA 2007 - Games 2 & 3

2006-07-23T10:33:00.000-04:00

I was really pissed at myself yesterday after losing to Arkansas in a game I should have one. I was passing like an idiot and my quarterback had 3 INTs. Plus, it didn't help matters any that my starting running back, Lex Hilliard, got injured for the game in the first quarter.

So, I had to come back strong this morning against Utah. My defense was awesome giving up only 141 yds, sacking the quarterback 5 times, causing 5 fumbles and 3 INTs. Jimmy Wilson, my nickelback, had 2 defensive TDs: a 54 yd fumble return and a 20 yd INT return. Lex Hilliard had another good performance (32 car, 169 yds, 1 TD) and Jason Washington finally had a good game at quarterback (14-21, 150 yds, 2 TDs, 1 INT) as I was able to cruise to my first blowout victory, 46-7.

So, Grizzly-nation is happy this morning as I'm now 2-1 and nearing the start of league play. If only I could convince some recruits to come to the barren wasteland of Montana....

NCAA 2007 - Game 1

2006-07-22T01:04:00.000-04:00

I finally got around to playing a game on NCAA 2007 tonight. After 3 days of goofing around with my roster, checking out the new features, etc., it was time to see if I still had the magic.

Once again, I'm starting out with the Montana Grizzlies. I moved them into the WAC in place of Utah State, who I figured nobody would miss. My first game was at Wyoming, and luckily they weren't that good as I was a little rusty.

After a taking a boring 7-3 lead into the locker room, I came out firing in the 3rd quarter, racking up 21 points. Led by my star running back, Lex Hilliard (275 yds rushing, 3 TDs) I racked up 389 yards on the ground. My passing was attrocious (7-15, 80 yds, 2 INTs), but luckily I didn't need to throw much. My quarterback (Jason Washington) and fullback (Kevin Klaboe) each scored on the ground to give me a 35-10 victory. I even got the scrubs in for the last 3 minutes!

One of the cool new features of the game is the Momentum Meter. After every big play, the momentum shifts giving that team an advantage making it just like real life. This made the game a whole lot more interesting and I can't believe nobody thought of this before.

Motley Crue

2006-07-21T19:30:00.000-04:00

I found out today that my second favorite band of all time, Motley Crue, is playing a show at the Post Gazette Pavilion with Aerosmith (probably somewhere in my top 20). The only problems are that tickets are way too expensive for me and I doubt many people will be interested in going with. So, if you'd like to go and have $125 dollars you'd like to let me borrow (with no expectation of ever getting it back) let me know.

Give You the Finger

2006-07-21T19:05:00.000-04:00

After seeing the picture of Jerry Garcia's missing finger on Aaron's blog and playing volleyball against a guy with a missing finger last night, I got to thinking....How do they do fingerprints on these people? Do they just leave that spot on the card blank? Or do they dip the nub in some ink and roll it on? Are the a load of 9-fingered criminals running rampant?

Well, leave it to the internet to destroy my little fantasy of the perfect 9-fingered criminal race. According the FBI website (http://www.fbi.gov/hq/cjisd/takingfps.html), if a person is missing a finger, you simply don't print that finger and note the amputation (or "Missing at Birth"- for some reason the FBI makes a distinction). They also have instructions for how to print people with extra fingers, webbed fingers, split thumbs (what the hell is that), and fingerprinting in general.

Speaking of fingerprints....now that DNA seems to be the deciding factor in many criminal cases now (unless your name is O.J.), will DNA samples some day replace fingerprints? Will we all be required to go down to the police station and jerk off in a cup? I guess a blood sample would probably work too.....

Chappelle's Show

2006-07-19T22:01:00.000-04:00

I'm sad to see Chappelle's Show go after only 2 1/2 seasons, but it did leave us with some priceless comedy. I found this website with the 11 best Chappelle's Show skits of all time. They have the full-length skits!!!

http://cracked.com/modules.php?op=modload&name=News&file=article&sid=724

"I'm Rick James, Bitch!"

Rock Star: Supernova - Week 3 Results Show

2006-07-19T21:39:00.000-04:00

Jenny got the boot tonight. After weak showings the past 2 weeks, not even a decent rendition of "Vaseline" by STP could save her. I agree with the choice as she was probably the worst one last night.

My brother was watching it with me, and brought up an interesting thought....What if a young David Lee Roth was trying out on this show? Can you imagine him all coked out with that dumb-ass grin on his face, as he runs around doing high-leg kicks and waving a samarui sword? It's amazing that this was the recipe for one of the greatest front-men in history.

Nickel for your thoughts?

2006-07-18T23:10:00.000-04:00

I found an interesting article on CNN today about a new bill in Congress to get rid of pennies:

http://money.cnn.com/2006/07/18/news/penny/index.htm

My first thought was "Oh great. More meaningless legislation". But then I got to thinking...Do we really need pennies? When was the last time that you ever bought something for a penny? (And don't say penny-candy, because nobody in history has ever bought just one piece). The whole purpose of having a penny is to get rid of it. Whether it's to save room in your purse, or to take to a Coin Star for "real money", you just want it to leave your possession.

Plus, when you read that it actually costs 1.4 cents to even make a single penny, it becomes that much more pointless.

Rock Star: Supernova - Week 3 Review

2006-07-18T22:16:00.000-04:00

After hearing the news that Dave Navarro and Carmen Electra are getting divorced, I was worried that he'd be too broke up to do the show. Damn, it looks like he made it.

Patrice
Song: "Helter Skelter" - The Beatles
Review: It's always tough to be a curtain-jerker, but she did alright. At least she put the guitar down. Of course, maybe she played it to cover up, because she looked fat this week. Anway, decent job on the song, but she just seems more like a weird, tatooed soccer-mom than a rock star.
Grade: B-

Josh
Song: "Come As You Are" - Nirvana
Review: This guy should have come as somebody else. He still sounds like Ray Ramono sucking helium. He had a chance to play a good rock song, but then he made it acoustic. If Train ever was looking for a lead singer, this would be it.
Grade: C-

Storm
Song: "Just What I Needed" - The Cars
Review: I want to bang this chick even more now. She was doing some really sexy stroking and humping of the mic stand.....oh yeah. I guess she sang ok, I wasn't paying attention to that. I will say that she really knows how to control the stage. She has some weird facial expressions, but oh well. After her performance, Tommy hinted that he wanted to see her naked. She replied, "Google". As soon as I'm done with this post, I'm going there.
Grade: B+

Lukas
Song: "Let's Spend the Night Together" - The Rolling Stones
Review: Not one of my favorite Stones songs, but he did it cool. He is the first person I've seen that's been able to pull off a Mick Jagger without looking like a cartoon. Dave said afterwards that he loves the arrogance, but I disagree. It's great to act like you're the best singer in the world, but you have to connect with the audience. You can't do that if you act like you're better than them as well.
Grade: B

Jill
Song: "All Right Now" - Free
Review: Truely an unmemorable performance, as I couldn't even remember it to give it a grade. I did notice that this chick is aging like 5 years every week. She looked like she was 35 tonight. I'd like to see her make the finals, just to see how she does with a walker. (Again, Tommy hit on a chick. Is he looking for a lead singer, or trying to get laid?)
Grade: B-

Ryan
Song: "Fortunate Son" - Creadance Clearwater Revival
Review: Great vocals, but he is just not a good front man. He should be a drummer, as not moving seems to be this guys thing. Besides, who cares about the drummer (right, Mills?). Anyway, Gilby nailed it when he said this guy looks like he doesn't want to be there.
Grade: B-

Phil
Song: "White Rabbit" - Jefferson Airplane
Review: Jason got on stage and played bass on this song. At one point, he started banging into Phil, which caused Phil to nearly sh*t his pants in terror. It's probably not good if you scare your lead singer. Anyway, Phil hit a couple flat notes at the end and had way too much head bobbing. But there were probably enough lousy performances to save him for another week
Grade: C+

Dana
Song: "It's My Life" - Bon Jovi
Review: For the first time since I started watching this show, I thought the house band came up short. They just weren't thick enough in the verses. This girl is an excellent singer, but she's just not rock and roll. She'll never have an off night, but she'd do better on American Idol
Grade: B-

Toby
Song: "Runaway Train" - Soul Asylum
Review: 3 for 3. Toby nailed it again this week, and is probably the front-runner at this point. Interesting song choice, as I just read that Soul Asylum is coming out with their first album since 1998. Dave must hate thing song though, as he looked like he was sleeping at one point.
Grade: A-

Magni
Song: "Plush" - Stone Temple Pilots
Review: He wore sunglasses this week, and while it was a good look for him, it made him look like Rob Halford. I thought the performance was ok, but he's no Scott Weiland. A tip for future performers: Don't pick a song that you can't at least match the level of the original singer on. Magni just didn't have it on the chorus.
Grade: B

Zayra
Song: "Everybody Hurts" - R.E.M.
Review: Apparantly, Zayra still hasn't heard a GNR, Motley Crue, or Metallica song. Maybe she listens to Methods of Mayhem, because she sucks as bad as they did. And was she wearing an evening gown? I'll stop being harsh and say that she did do a good job with this song, but pick some friggin' rock music!!
Grade: C

Jenny
Song: "Drive" - Incubus
Review: I like this chick less and less every week. I thought it was a good choice to do an Incubus song, but she picked the lamest one. Then she arranged it into almost a lounge act. Plain and simple: she sucks. (I've noticed that Jason has hardly spoken at all this week. Maybe they realized that whenever he opens his mouth, he sounds like an idiot.)
Grade: C-

Dilana
Song: "Zombie" - The Cranberries
Review: When I heard what song she was doing, I sat up in my chair. I thought "Here's a great female rock singer doing a great female rock song". I have to say I was a little disappointed. She still did a kick-ass job, but it wasn't as good as it could have been. She changed the melody at certain spots, and while I usually like that, it didn't fit here.
Grade: A-

My vote for the encore goes to Toby again, and even though Jenny sucked hard this week, I still vote for Zayra to get crated up in a box and sent back to Puerto Rico.

Brokeback to the Future

2006-07-17T21:12:00.000-04:00

There are a lot of these out there, but this is my favorite:

http://gorillamask.net/bbf.shtml

WAL-MART Theories

2006-07-17T21:03:00.000-04:00

Like it or not, WAL-MART is the new standard for shopping in the United States. It's almost a status symbol for your town; you know your town is cool if it has a WAL-MART. (Rumor has it that Bellwood will be soon joining the ranks of the elite, while sadly, Houtzdale will remain a piece of trash.)

Anyway, like many people, I do a lot of shopping at WAL-MART. I've been to WAL-MARTs all over Pennsylvania, at varying times of the day and night. With so much experience, I feel I am qualified to put forth the following theories:

Theory 1: At no single moment are all check-out lines open. The WAL-MART in Altoona has about 40 lines, and there are never more than 10 open at once. This usually leads to a demolition derby as people try to find the shortest line. It usually goes something like this:

Park your cart in line 1.
Leave your cart, run half the length of the store, and see that the guy in line 15 has two less items than the guy in line 1.
Run back, get your cart, and take it to line 15, only to find that three more people are now in line.
Repeat steps 1-3.

Theory 2: After finally picking a line, you will end up behind at least one (but probably all three) of the following people:

"The Old Couple" - God love these people. They've been through it all: 50 years of marriage, kids, sickness, health, etc. I just wish they would do me a favor and MOVE A LITTLE FASTER!!! Is it absolutely necessary to pay for everything in exact change? Could you maybe, just maybe, learn how to use a debit card? And where are you getting all this change, anyway? It's like you've been hording nickels and dimes since the Civil War.
"The Single Mom" - This is the woman who has 3 kids under the age of 8, and can't control a single one of them. The youngest is sitting in the shopping cart screaming at the top of her lungs. The mother doesn't realize this because she's yelling at her oldest brat ("Jimmy, I said no. Jimmy, no. If I have to tell you one more time, I'm going to beat you"). And that leaves the middle child to slobber on your shoes.
A nurse - It never fails that there is a nurse, still in her scrubs, buying groceries at WAL-MART. Is this where you want to be after working all day in a hospital? After assisting on an appendectomy, do you go, "Boy, I could go for Mac and Cheese tonight"?

Thank you for shopping at WAL-MART. Please come again.

NCAA Football 2007

2006-07-16T11:37:00.000-04:00

Just 2 more days until the release of EA Sports NCAA Football 2007. For my money, this is the best sports game there is. So many schools, so many options....it's great. So who am I going to be this year? Will the University of Montana be making a return to greatness? Will Janesville University join the ranks of the NCAA elite? Or will it be the University of Altoona? Will Michael Nevling join his favorite school in the new "Back to School" mode? Or will I just take control of whoever Penn State is playing and beat the crap out of them? Only time will tell.

I'll be posting updates of the game and my seasons starting Tuesday. My sole purpose for doing this is to make my friend Aaron jealous so he breaks down and buys his own copy.

Greatest Athlete of All Time

2006-07-14T00:47:00.000-04:00

If you don't think its Bo Jackson, then explain this:

http://gorillamask.net/tecmobo.shtml

Rock Star: Supernova - Week 2 Review

2006-07-13T23:11:00.000-04:00

This show is American Idol for straight guys. I got hooked last season, mainly because I would love to get in a band and play that kind of music. I missed out on the first week, so I'll have to start my review with week 2....

Magni
Song: "My Generation" - The Who
Review: Strong vocal performance and he had control of the stage. Its always hard to lead off, but I thought he nailed it. Good song choice as well. I thought Jason was going to cream himself doing the bass solo. Tommy said it was ho-hum...he liked the ho, but wanted more hum. I think he meant he wanted a hummer from a ho.
Grade: A-

Jenny
Song: "Tainted Love" - Soft Cell
Review: I wouldn't consider "Tainted Love" a rock song. It'd be cool to do in a club, but this is the big time, honey. I did dig her arrangement as she started it slow, then kicked it in for the second chorus.
Grade: B

Jill
Song: "Violet" - Hole
Review: As soon as I saw the wedding dress and the flowers, I knew this performance was in trouble. She didn't do a bad job with the song, but she kept flailing around the stage and losing contact with the microphone. It doesn't matter how good you sing, if it sounds like you're talking through the drive-thru microphone at McDonalds, you're gonna suck. And please, don't try to be a dirty, slutty, heroine-junky like Courtney Love. Its just not a good image. You did get to see her underwear at the end, which was a plus.
Grade: C+

Zayra
Song: "You Really Got Me" - The Kinks
Review: It sucked. I hate the way she sings, the way she moves around the stage, the way she dresses, everything.Gilby had the best lines of the night when he told her "she had no clue what they were looking for in a singer" and asked "if she even owned any of their albums". And of course, she didn't. If you are between the ages of 18 and 35 and don't have at least one GNR, Motley Crue, or Metallica song somewhere around the house, you've either been in a coma, in a cave, at band camp, or in the mountains of Puerto Rico for the past 20 years. Apparently, she was in option #4.
Grade: F

Chris
Song: "Take Me Out" - Franz Ferdinand
Review: After being in the bottom 3 last week, Chris had to bring it. He picked a good song and vocally I thought he was ok, but he should have ruled the stage with that song. Thats a great song that people can get into, but I just didn't feel it from him.
Grade: B-

Dilana
Song: "Ring Of Fire" - Johnny Cash
Review: This chick just scares me. Her gypsy rendition of the Johnny Cash classic was cool, but it scares the bejesus out of me that she just stands there and stares directly into my soul. Her voice is a little funky; it kind of sounds like that recording toy they had in the early 90s that can slow down your voice ("Hi kids. We're home early."). But her she-devil image should keep her around for awhile.
Grade: B

Josh
Song: "With Arms Wide Open" - Creed
Review: This was a good song.....in 1999. It definitely doesn't stand the test of time and neither did this performance. He kind of sounds like Kermit the Frog with a head cold.
Grade: C+

Phil
Song: "If You Could Only See" - Tonic
Review: If you could only stop playing this song. I didn't like it when it came out and I don't like it now. Isn't this supposed to be a ROCK SHOW!?!?! He did make it sound like the actual Tonic track, so I give him props there. Jason's comment at the end about "Plant your feet and CRUSH IT", made me want to punch him.
Grade: B-

Storm
Song: "Surrender" - Cheap Trick
Review: Finally back to rock songs!! I'm not going to lie. I want Storm to have my children. There is something about her that is really sexy. I just want to tie her up, take her clothes off and.... Anyway, I thought this song was in too low of a key for her, and she kind of looked like an ogre stomping around the stage at times. But she and Dilana are the only girls who can pull off a guy song, so they might make it to the end.
Grade: B

Patrice
Song: "Heart-Shaped Box" - Nirvana
Review: I have to compare it to Jordace (sp?) last year, and Jordace killed her. And what is with the guitar? She played about 3 notes at the beginning, then played about 2 power chords in the verse. She doesn't even look comfortable holding it. For some reason, Dave told her she did a great job playing, so I'm sure we'll see it again next week.
Grade: B-

Lukas
Song: "Don't Panic" - Coldplay
Review: I guess he sang it well. I'm not a Coldplay fan, so I just counted down the minutes until it was over.
Grade: B

Ryan
Song: "Jumpin' Jack Flash" - The Rolling Stones
Review: Average performance of an average song. He doesn't have a real good look either. He's they guy that you forget about every week, which will keep him around for awhile, but he's got no shot at winning.
Grade: B-

Dana
Song: "Born To Be Wild" - Steppenwolf
Review: For the second week in a row, this chick proved she could SING! She's probably the best pure vocalist of the entire group, but she just doesn't have the look or attitude. She'd be a great singer for a local bar band, but can you really see her touring with Tommy Lee, one of the sleaziest rockers of all time? She'll hang around for awhile on her vocal talent, but she'll end up as this year's "Sweet Suzie".
Grade: B+

Toby
Song: "Somebody Told Me" - The Killers
Review: This guy gets it. Great song choice, great performance. I wanted to pick up my guitar and jam when he was finished. I'm still singing it. "Somebody told me, that you had a boyfriend...."
Grade: A+

So Toby gets my vote for the encore, and Zayra gets a vote to get crated up in a box and sent back to Puerto Rico.

First Post

2006-07-13T22:48:00.000-04:00

Ok, I'm going to take another crack at this. Hopefully, it will last longer than my last one....

For those of you confused about the name, other than being a good excuse to drink, "5 o'clock Somewhere" was the name of the first Snakepit album.