WAL-MART Theories
Like it or not, WAL-MART is the new standard for shopping in the United States. It's almost a status symbol for your town; you know your town is cool if it has a WAL-MART. (Rumor has it that Bellwood will be soon joining the ranks of the elite, while sadly, Houtzdale will remain a piece of trash.)
Anyway, like many people, I do a lot of shopping at WAL-MART. I've been to WAL-MARTs all over Pennsylvania, at varying times of the day and night. With so much experience, I feel I am qualified to put forth the following theories:
Theory 1: At no single moment are all check-out lines open. The WAL-MART in Altoona has about 40 lines, and there are never more than 10 open at once. This usually leads to a demolition derby as people try to find the shortest line. It usually goes something like this:
Anyway, like many people, I do a lot of shopping at WAL-MART. I've been to WAL-MARTs all over Pennsylvania, at varying times of the day and night. With so much experience, I feel I am qualified to put forth the following theories:
Theory 1: At no single moment are all check-out lines open. The WAL-MART in Altoona has about 40 lines, and there are never more than 10 open at once. This usually leads to a demolition derby as people try to find the shortest line. It usually goes something like this:
- Park your cart in line 1.
- Leave your cart, run half the length of the store, and see that the guy in line 15 has two less items than the guy in line 1.
- Run back, get your cart, and take it to line 15, only to find that three more people are now in line.
- Repeat steps 1-3.
Theory 2: After finally picking a line, you will end up behind at least one (but probably all three) of the following people:
- "The Old Couple" - God love these people. They've been through it all: 50 years of marriage, kids, sickness, health, etc. I just wish they would do me a favor and MOVE A LITTLE FASTER!!! Is it absolutely necessary to pay for everything in exact change? Could you maybe, just maybe, learn how to use a debit card? And where are you getting all this change, anyway? It's like you've been hording nickels and dimes since the Civil War.
- "The Single Mom" - This is the woman who has 3 kids under the age of 8, and can't control a single one of them. The youngest is sitting in the shopping cart screaming at the top of her lungs. The mother doesn't realize this because she's yelling at her oldest brat ("Jimmy, I said no. Jimmy, no. If I have to tell you one more time, I'm going to beat you"). And that leaves the middle child to slobber on your shoes.
- A nurse - It never fails that there is a nurse, still in her scrubs, buying groceries at WAL-MART. Is this where you want to be after working all day in a hospital? After assisting on an appendectomy, do you go, "Boy, I could go for Mac and Cheese tonight"?
Thank you for shopping at WAL-MART. Please come again.
posted by Michael at 9:03 PM
1 Comments:
You forgot the woman who looks like death, is dressed in pink sweats with both elastic legs hugging half way up the calf and a teal Jimmy Buffet t-shirt whose cough just about makes you want to run home and spray Lysol all over yourself.
Is it bad that we stereotype people in this manor? It's not stereotyping if it's true is it?
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