How could you not know who GNR is?!?!

A British radio station recently asked its listeners to come up with the top 40 guitar soloes of all time. For those of you that doubt the genius of Slash, GNR had 3 songs in the top 20, more than any other group. I think it just proves that good guitar playing is not about playing as fast or as hard as you can, but taking your time and finding meaningful melodies. But I digress....On to the top 20:

1 Pink Floyd - Comfortably Numb
2 Guns N' Roses - Sweet Child O' Mine
3 Lynyrd Skynyrd - Freebird
4 Van Halen - Eruption
5 Guns N' Roses - November Rain
6 Led Zeppelin - Stairway to Heaven
7 Dire Straits - Sultans of Swing
8 Jethro Tull - Aqualung
9 The Eagles - Hotel California
10 Deep Purple - Child In Time
11 Queen - Brighton Rock
12 Jimi Hendrix - All Along The Watchtower
13 Deep Purple - Highway Star
14 Wishbone Ash - Throw Down The Sword
15 Ozzy Osbourne - No More Tears
16 Cream - Crossroads
17 Guns N' Roses - Paradise City
18 Led Zeppelin - Since I've Been Loving You
19 Ten Years After - I'm Going Home (Woodstock)
20 Jimi Hendrix - Voodoo Chile

Some random comments: I listened to "Comfortably Numb" today, and while it does have a great solo, I don't think its truely memorable. At least not enough to be #1.....Believe it or not, Slash actually hated the intro to "Sweet Child O' Mine"......For my money, the end solo to "November Rain" is the greatest of all time. Pure emotion. From the first time I heard it, I knew I wanted to play guitar.....Glad to see "Since I've Been Loving You" on the list. Not a very well known Zeppelin song, but it has some of my favorite blues lines.....I noticed that there were no songs from the grunge era or later. While I do like some of modern rock, I truely think that grunge killed the guitar......Oh, and what a surprise. Lit didn't make the list.

Disclaimer

I was walking through the pharmacy section of Sam's Club yesterday, and I stopped to look at a bottle of Hydroxycut. For those that don't know, Hydroxycut is a weight-loss supplement that was big back when ephedra was legal. Reading the label I noticed the following information:

• Supports Weight Loss*
• Increases Energy*
• Boosts Metabolism*
• Ephedra-Free

* These statements have not been evaluated by the FDA.....Regular exercise and proper nutrition are essential for achieving your weight-loss goals.

What the hell is that? Here's what I get out of it: 1) None of this stuff (other than ephedra-free) has really been tested, but we're just going to say it does them, and 2) This will only work if you exercise and eat right, which will cause you to lose weight regardless of the damn pills.

Isn't this wonderful? Imagine if all products were like this. For example, what if condoms had disclaimers on them: "Guaranteed to work if you never have sex"? How about seat belts: "For best results, don't wreck your car"?

Well, it just so happens that I'm about ready to market a new product. I've been keeping it quiet for awhile, but I think its time to let everyone in on it. Every guy wants to be more attractive and increase they're chances of having sex. Ladies and gentlemen, let me introduce Iso-Mex the product guaranteed to get you laid*

* For best results use when with a hooker.

Bad Parent

From time to time my good buddy Aaron will send out pictures that he takes of his daughter Madison. Now Madison is an adorable child, and I feel somewhat bad that she has Aaron as a father. I will admit though, that up to this point Aaron has been an excellent dad, and I'm proud of him.

Well, today Aaron sent some pictures and his friend Will pointed out that one of them had something interesting in it:

Now Aaron claims that this is not one of his sex toys and that its actually a picture of a hat from some book his daughter has. Initially I gave Aaron the benefit of the doubt, because I really didn't think he would leave stuff like that laying around a one-year old child (although the penis-shaped hat thing was a little confusing). But then I saw this picture:

What is going on over at the Mills household?? Would somebody please call child services?

Fantasy Football

I got talked into playing fantasy football with a couple of guys from work, and we had our draft tonight. We used EA Sports for the league, which is a really cool site. Unfortunately, by doing it online we missed out on all the beer drinking and trash talking that I thought was a necessary part of this process.

Considering this was my first time, I didn't think I did too bad. I was picking 7th out of 12, and my goal was to get starting RBs in the first 2 rounds. After that, it was a crap shoot.

The draft was a little crazy as there was a run on defenses/special teams early on. I've never seen a mock draft where defenses went that early, so I had to take one sooner than I thought. The highlight of the night was when somebody took Ricky Williams in the 13th round. Apparently pot-smoking and CFL touchdowns earn you points in this league. Had I known that I would have taken Cheech and Chong.

So here's what I ended up with. I accomplished my goal of 2 starting RBs. The only thing I'm kind of shaky on are WRs. I took a few flyers on some guys and I'm hoping they pan out:

1. RB Edgerrin James
2. RB Cadillac Williams - I have questions on both these guys, but if they stay healthy, they should be good.
3. QB Tom Brady - SI's #1 rated QB. I couldn't believe he was still around.
4. WR Chris Chambers - By this time the premier receivers were gone and I was scrounging
5. WR Donald Driver - Still scrounging....
6. TE Todd Heap - Top 5 fantasy TE, so I was ecstatic to get him here.
7. RB Joseph Addai - I had the old Edgerrin James, so I figured I'd get the new one too.
8. D/ST Washington Redskins - With Randle El, they may get a few special teams TDs
9. WR Antonio Bryant - I have no idea who this guy is
10. WR Matt Jones - Hopefully Byron Leftwich's #1 guy
11. WR Michael Jenkins - Again, who is this guy?
12. QB Mark Brunell - Hopefully he makes it to Brady's bye week
13. RB Greg Jones - Former FSU star will play when Fred Taylor inevitably gets injured
14. K Lawrence Tynes - Are kickers even real football players?
15. WR Charles Rodgers - Cross my fingers an hope Mike Martz makes him good

So that's it. I'll keep you posted on how I do. Some of those picks were really iffy and I'll either end up looking like a genius or an idiot. At least I didn't pick Ricky Williams.

Blind Date

Last night was the highly anticipated blind date that I probably told half the world about. Blind dates are always interesting to me because you really get to see what your friends think of you. They are basically setting you up with a person that they think is on the same attractiveness level that you are on. After the last blind date I went on, I almost cut my head off because my friend apparently thought I was at "troll" level.

So last night rolls around, and we had decided that we were going to go to a Curve game. So I'm dressed and ready to go, and let me tell you, I look pretty damn good. The months at the gym and some new clothes are really paying off. She calls to tell me that, she's running late (not a good sign), and the game is sold out; its standing room only. Great, so its possible that I may have to stand for 3 hours next to a troll. At least they sell beer there...

She finally shows up at my place. (I had offered to pick her up, but she said no.) She gets out of her car, and I breathe a sigh of relief.....no troll. Ok, so my friend doesn't put me at Jessica Alba level, but he certainly didn't pull anyone out of the gutter. So hurdle one is crossed.

We drive to the game and she insists on paying for parking. As we go to buy tickets, we run into her brother, who had 2 tickets that someone just gave to him. He gave them to us, so that we can sit, which was really cool of him. We take our seats (8 rows back, halfway down the 3rd base line), and start talking. Conversation goes pretty good. She's an outgoing girl, who's super easy to talk to (unlike the troll who I peppered with questions for an hour and a half and only got 5 word responses). We actually have a decent amount in common: volleyball, basketball, coaching, etc. So far this date is going well: I'm with a decent girl, who's easy to talk to, and so far I've haven't spent a single penny.

So the game ends (13-1, Curve) and they start the fireworks. Now I have lived a half-mile from the stadium for a year, heard the fireworks go off all the time, and this was the first time I actually saw them. Ok, so they aren't anything great, but they are decent.

Fireworks end, and I suggest we go out for drinks at Zach's. She seems less than thrilled, but goes along. After a beer and some more conversation, 2 of her friends show up. I was immediately disappointed, because from my experience, if the girls out-number the guys by at 3-1 margin, it turns into a "I Hate Guys"-fest. So it was at this point that I started drinking a little heavier. I give my date a lot of credit though, because she made it a point to keep me in the conversation, and even talk to me alone. I did pick up the tab for the 4 of us, so I spent a total of $16 on the evening.

We rap things up around midnight, drive back to my place, and go our separate ways. There was no hanky-panky (sorry to disappoint you perverts).

So my thoughts: I had a good time, but there was no massive connection between us. Could there be? I don't know. Would I got out with her again? Yes. I had fun. Also, it's been quite a while since I've done the dating thing, and I could tell that I was out of practice. I can't really describe it, but I felt like I do when I play basketball after not having touched a ball in months: my timing was just a little off. Blind dates are hard too, because I don't want to offend the other person. I can be a pretty raunchy at times, and say things that would make a sailor cringe. And while I learned a long time ago to never try to be somebody that you are not, I'm not about to go dropping F-bombs and joking about her menstrual cycle. That is more of a 3rd date thing.

What Happens Under the Tree, Stays Under the Tree

Well, the party as come and gone, and I must say it was another rousing success. I always get nervous before any party that I throw that people aren't going to enjoy themselves, there won't be enough food, etc. But everything went really well.

My brother and I woke up around 10:00 and went to work doing last minute preperation. We were rushing because our plan was to start drinking as early as possible. We finished up everything around 2:00, just about the time that my family (minus mom) showed up. We all sat on the back deck, and I got to hang out and drink beer with my Dad....one of my favorite things to do. Matt and I started pounding drinks, and he started construction on a Rolling Rock pyramid, which stood at 18 cans this morning. For some stupid reason, I decided that I wanted to be drunk before the first guests arrived. Mission accomplished...

After that, my memories are kind of snapshots in time....Mike from work brought his wife and 2 young sons, who I proceeded curse around for 2 hours.....Lindsay, Kelly and myself playing nose flute upstairs......work stories.....my Mom not being pleased that 2 of her sons were that drunk.....trying to get information on the girl Junior is trying to hook me up with.....Dylan, aka Rocket Scientist, aka Dwight showing up unexpectedly......"What happens under the tree, stays under the tree".....Dylan climbing a tree.......Lindsay calling Matt gay and Matt making horrible spousal abuse jokes about her.....it goes on and on.

So other than having way too much beer left over (I have almost 5 cases), everything went really well. Some people who said they were going to be there, didn't show up, which is cool.....except for the one who knew all along she wasn't going to come, but still said she was.

Now the worst part about any party is the clean-up. Especially when you're hungover. I was not in good shape this morning. Matt actually went into work at 4:30AM, and I don't know how he did it. I pretty much didn't move until 3:30, other than trips to the bathroom, where I did #1, #2 AND #3 to expunge all the alcohol from my system....not fun. I finally got my ass off the couch and cleaned up all the chairs, tables, etc. and drove them up to my parents. Matt and I finished off the rest when he got home, and house is now back to normal.

So to all you who were here, thanks for coming. It was a great time. Mark it on your calendar...second Saturday in August next year.

Mr. Clean

I haven't been blogging lately because I've been too busy getting ready for my second annual summertime bash this weekend. So for those of you who would rather read my stupid blog then come drink copious amounts of beer at my place, then I apologize. Otherwise, just bear with me.

So getting ready for a party involves massive amounts of cleaning. Last year it wasn't bad, since I had just moved in and hadn't had much time to dirty the place up. Now that I've been here for a whole year (and had a roommate the last 2 months), there's a little more work involved. And yes, I have cleaned it since my last party.

I've been working non-stop since I got home at 5:00 today--cleaning, mowing the lawn, pulling weeds, shopping, etc., and I am exhausted. So far, I have received very little help from my brother. Now to be fair, he works 2 jobs, and doesn't have too many hours to help. But, at least 50% of the mess is his, so he should help a little.

His theory though, is "They know we're slobs." Which is missing the entire point. First of all, I don't consider myself a slob. I'm by no means a neat freak, but my house was always fairly clean until he moved in. Secondly, the whole purpose of cleaning the house is to fool people into thinking that we are NOT slobs. This is the first time that most of my coworkers have ever visited my place, and I'd like to leave a good impression. So, contrary to what my brother thinks, this is not going to be some wild and crazy college party. If I catch anyone pissing in my living room, I will punch them in the nuts (or the ovaries), then kick you out.

But I shouldn't worry though, because my brother is going to "turn into a machine" Saturday morning to help get ready for this party. Now I have a few problems with that. One, he works Friday night, so he probably won't wake up until about noon. Two, like myself, he plans to start drinking as soon as he wakes up. So I don't know how much serious work he is going to do on Saturday.

I took tomorrow off to finish getting everything ready myself. I have the entire upstairs (encluding the bathroom) to clean, some laundry to do, and some odds and ends to finish outside. And I still haven't bought beer yet, since all the master distributors close at 5:00.

So, if any of you come to my party on Saturday, I'll either be drunk or dead. Either way, please take your shoes off before walking on the carpet....I just cleaned it.

Nothin' but a Good Time

I will admit that I was more than a little embarassed about my whereabouts on Friday night. Who really wants to admit that they were at a Poison concert? At the Clearfield County Fair, no less. If Webster was going to put a picture beside the definition of "hair band" they would have to put a picture of Poison up. They had the biggest hair, the best (or worst, depending on your point of view) make-up, the tightest spandex....Definitely not a CD you want to be blasting when the girls pull up beside you at 17th St...

I must also admit though, that I was really excited about this. The '80s are my favorite genre of rock music as it was when the music was just starting to get heavy, but there was a lot of great guitar soloes.

So here's a rundown of the night:

Got home, chugged a couple beers, and took off for the show with Aaron, Kim and David. Upon arriving and paying an extra $5 for parking and admittance, ate some Fair food. Quickly lost my buzz. Took our seats around 7:40 and watch the people come in. Realized that half of my graduating class is in attendance...sad. Collectively, we decided that we have really good seats: 30 rows back, just to the right of the stage.

Poison started at about 8:20, and put on a pretty damn good show. Bret Michaels was the Bret Michaels of old, plus about 20lbs. He sounded like his old self though. Bobby Dall looked creepy. Rikki Rocket, who I'm not totally convinced is straight, twirled his sticks, threw them around, and did all the other cool/cheesy stuff that '80s drummers did. CC stole the show, though. He had his hair spiked about 6-inches high and ran around like a maniac doing all the crazy stuff that guitarists don't do anymore: tapping, vibrato-bar dives, harmonics, etc. His solo was pretty good: "Cat Scratch Fever" with some "Eruption" and maybe a little Hendrix in there. He's really an underrated guitarist. (Apparently though, he must be told when to solo. Bret introduced his solo on every song, and CC actually introduced himself on one.)

All in all, it was a really good show. They played all their classics (you'd be surprised at how many you know) and very few other songs for a pretty tight hour and a half show. One of the few shows that I've ever seen that builds do a crecendo. They closed with their 4 most popular songs: "Every Rose...", "Unskinny Bop", "Nothin' But a Good Time", and "Talk Dirty to Me", and like a teenage girl, I sang all the words.

Mel Gibson is crazy

In case you haven't heard, Mel Gibson made some anti-Semetic remarks recently, that have landed him in got water. Apparently he said, "the Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world." I'm pretty sure that's not true (I don't think Saddam Hussein and George Bush are Jewish), but if nothing else, it makes for some great comedy. Here are a couple other things you probably didn't know about Jewish people (courtesy of Best Week Ever):

- Jews have secretly been trying to make candy and ice cream illegal.
- Jews are the ones who made it so hot outside
- Jews don’t want you to know how to save money on your car insurance by using Geico
- Jews killed all the unicorns, which is why you don’t see them much these days

And here are a few more:

- Jews founded Tyrone
- Jews won't let you buy beer at the 17th St. Sheetz
- Jews keep raising the price of gasoline
- Jews broke up Van Halen
- Jews always wear mesh shorts

(Note: I love Jewish people. This is not in anyway meant to be offensive to anyone. It's simply a joke. If you are offended, you need to get a sense of humor. If it makes you feel better, I'll rip on my own religion:

- Catholics make the Pirates suck every year
- Catholics invented the "Are You Gelling" commercials

- Catholics don't believe in birth control (this one, by the way, is true, and therefore the most ridiculous)